‘I struggle to set boundaries with friends and end up getting hurt. Please help!’

Hi Haya,

I really struggle with setting healthy boundaries when it comes to friendships. I also find it difficult to tackle or ignore comments from other people, which may otherwise feel very intrusive and critical.

I love my friends and respect their presence in my life, but when they cross certain boundaries, at times, it makes me really uncomfortable and awkward. It’s okay for friends to joke around and even give us advice sometimes, but it’s not something I find okay each time we meet.

Could you please guide me about establishing clear boundaries with my friends, maintain a healthy relationship with them and also how to cope with people’s comments?

— A disheartened friend

Hello disheartened friend,

Thank you for sharing your concern. This is such an important and relatable question. Many people struggle with this balance between closeness and self-protection.

Boundaries are often looked at with misconceptions. Some imply they are a result of selfishness and rigidness, they ruin relationships, they are only about saying “no”, they are a one time practice, and they are aggressive and unfriendly. But in reality, none of that is true.

We must first understand what boundaries one must establish.

Boundaries are one of the highest forms of self-protection and self-care. They are limits and guidelines you set to protect your emotional, physical and mental well being — and to be able to communicate to others how you want to be treated.

It’s like a fence around your personal space. A fence doesn’t lock people out completely, it simply shows where the property line is and where the gate is. You decide what comes in and what stays out.

Now, in relation to your query, let’s take a look on how boundaries can be established.

For someone who has never set any boundaries, it can initially feel overwhelming and daunting but it becomes better with time and practice. And I’m hearing that when your friends cross certain lines, it makes you uncomfortable and awkward, which indicates that something needs to be done about it.

First and foremost, you need to have clarity about your boundaries.

Before you communicate anything to another person, reflect over what specifically makes you uncomfortable? (For example, is it related to jokes about your weight, any unsolicited advice, asking personal questions, among other issues). Which topics or behaviours feel acceptable to you and which ones don’t? How do you usually feel after meeting them? Do you feel drained, anxious or connected?

This clarity will aid you in responding from a clear, grounded space rather than a reactive one.

Next, you must learn the skill of learning how to communicate your boundaries. Boundaries don’t need to be harsh. They can be warm and respectful. Try using “I” statements. For example, “Can we please not talk about that, I am not comfortable” or “Please don’t bring that up again, I don’t like it”.

Stay consistent with your stance each time it happens. Your friends will understand you better if your response stays the same each time a boundary is crossed. Start small, you don’t have to set all the boundaries at once. Try one at a time so you don’t get too overwhelmed. You can also use humour or deflection when you feel appropriate.

Be prepared for push back

When we initially start creating boundaries with people around us, expect push back. They are not used to you setting boundaries and may bring it up or pass some comments as well. But you must remain steadfast and learn not to take it personally. Remember, often other people’s criticisms or remarks are a reflection of them, not you. the more you lean into trusting yourself, the less power it will have on you.

If you find yourself freezing or getting overwhelmed, I would suggest pausing before responding, having a response strategy or a few phrases ready when faced with intrusive comments and being able to redirect a conversation.

Practice self compassion

Initially, setting boundaries can feel challenging which is why it is so important to remain compassionate with yourself throughout the process. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel uncomfortable. Validate your feelings.

Lastly, remember that boundaries are not walls. Be gentle and flexible with yourself as you learn to set them. It’s a journey and it takes practice. Healthy boundaries are not about shutting people out, but about creating relationships where both you and your friends can express yourselves safely and respectfully. Your friends may not always realise how their words or actions affect you, so approach these conversations with compassion and empathy — the same way you’d want others to approach you.

If you continue to find it challenging, seek support from a therapist who will support you in a personalised journey. Good luck!

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions by filling this form or email to [email protected]

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